When You Sleep
by Ssus
Summary: Robin's struggle to find a way to trust, and then realizing how much scarier it is to care than be alone. A little side entry for "When Luffy Went a Little too Far", but can be read alone.


**When You Sleep**

 **So… this is a little random. It has to do with the second chapter of my 'When Luffy Went a Little too Far' -story where Robin mentions her morning routine with Sanji. This is sort of something about how that came to be and also about Robin's thoughts about the crew and her place in it between her joining the first time and then finally after Enies Lobby.**

 **You can read this even if you haven't read the main story.**

 **And just a quick mention of the title, which was inspired by Mary Lambert's *When You Sleep*. If you have time, listen to it, it's beautiful.**

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The first time it happened, it was the morning after the whole Davy Back Fight debacle with the Foxy pirates. Robin felt like her first few weeks as a member of the Strawhat pirates had been one big messy adventure. She had barely had time to think about the fact that she was once again with a new group of people, waiting for her chance to make her next move.

Except, she wasn't sure what her next move was anymore. She had already given up hope, had been more than ready to die and leave her life of endless running, hiding and pain behind. She thought she was done trying to cling to the hope of ever finding what she was looking for. But then they had gone to Skypiea, and she had found another poneglyph. With it, the flame inside of her had sparked again, excitement taking her over, and the hunger for the truth driving her once again. So, basically what she _should_ do, was to take what she could from this crew and then leave them. She should definitely leave them before they could betray her. Because they would. Everybody did. Nobody wanted a burden like her around.

But so far her life with them had been nothing but surprises. On the very first day when she stepped out on to the deck and shocked the clueless pirates who hadn't noticed her presence at all, she had thought of them as complete fools, the Captain being the biggest one of them all. Sure, he had surprised her when he saved her, the way his eyes were set on the task of making sure she would stay alive even after everything she had done, had completely thrown her off. The boy had definitely gone against everything she believed of people. But then she had asked to join the crew and Luffy had said yes like it was nothing, and she decided to ignore what she had witnessed in him before, and concluded that the boy really was just an idiot.

Some of the crew had been suspicious… for all of few hours. One by one she had won their acceptance with the most simple manipulation techniques. All she did was take one look at them each, and already she knew their weaknesses and used them to win them over. The swordsman had been the only one who didn't want to trust her. She could still catch the unyielding and suspicious glare pointed her way every now and then, but most of the time the man simply didn't have the energy to care. Like she said, fools.

The first time she had briefly thought she would be thrown out was when she returned from her shopping trip to Mock Town and ran into a very angry Nami. The navigator had basically threatened to make her walk the board. It had shaken her. But pretty soon her rational side took over, pushed the ugly feelings away and concluded that it was just the navigator's temper that made her say the things and she wasn't anywhere near serious. Still, she couldn't help but take it to heart a little. It was what she was expecting, after all.

But then she had witnessed Luffy help Skypiea and make sure Norland's name was cleared. And all of this without actually gaining anything from it. It also went against everything Robin knew about the world. Pirates didn't do anything without getting something in return. Actually, most of the time they took things without even asking. They were merciless and only thought of themselves… But this crew… No, she couldn't let herself think like that.

Then the Davy Back Fight happened. When she was chosen to join the Foxy crew, she wanted to convince herself that Luffy was relieved. He should be relieved. After all, he got rid of her. She wanted to believe this, because right now, it would still be mostly painless, a clean cut. If they just gave up on her now, she could simply forget them, and they would become yet another nameless and faceless crew she had been a part of. She almost begged for them to just let her go…

But there was a little part of her that dared to hope. A teeny tiny voice that had woken up and was telling her that these people actually wanted her. They believed in her, and would do anything for her. It was a dangerous voice. It whispered to her and tried to lull her into a false hope of safety and comfort. She couldn't let it grow any louder.

But then Luffy had gone to extreme lengths to get her and the little reindeer doctor back, and Robin had been happy. For the shortest amount of time she had let herself rejoice and be grateful. But like always, it didn't last long. It couldn't. With a lot of effort she managed to convince herself that Luffy had done it for Chopper. That was it, it had to be. Robin just happened to be there too, but truly, it was Chopper and the rest of the crew that Luffy had fought for, not her.

And that's where she was now. In the middle of the fight between what she knew to be true and what she wanted to be true. It was the first calm morning since she had joined the crew. Everything up till now had been a mishap after another, but today she woke up from her bed next to the navigator's, and everything was eerily quiet. She laid there for a while, knowing it was way too early to be up. But she had woken up this early ever since she started running from the world at the age of 8. She knew she couldn't trust anyone, so sleep wasn't something she could afford.

After a while she got up and dressed, quietly so she wouldn't wake the other woman in the room. She snuck out the door and headed for the kitchen. A fresh cup of coffee and a good book sounded like a nice, relaxing plan for the morning. But when she stepped into the kitchen, she was shocked to find somebody already there. Sanji, the ship's cook was slowly putting out pots and pans and pulling out ingredients for today's breakfast. For a moment Robin considered leaving before the man noticed her. But the thought of coffee kept her in place. Truth be told, she found the man extremely annoying. The way he would flirt and swoon, shower her with compliments she knew he didn't even mean. She hated people like him.

But she was in for a great surprise. For when the blonde finally noticed her, standing there and looking hesitant, he just smiled tiredly and gestured towards the table where the day's newspaper was already waiting.

"Morning. It's nice to know I'm not the only one up at the crack of dawn. Why don't you sit down, the paper just arrived. I'll put on some coffee." Robin was shocked. Sanji was talking to her like any sane, polite grown up would. Gone were the hearts from his eyes, the ridiculous pervy smile and unnecessary dancing around. And so she sat down, picked up the paper and started reading. After a while a steaming cup appeared in front of her. She looked up just in time to see a small, genuine smile on the cook's face as he asked:

"Black with sugar, right?" And for the first time since joining the crew she let herself respond with sincerity, and thanked him with a true smile. That was the first time they did their little morning routine, without knowing it would turn into the favorite time of the day for both.

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Of course, it wasn't until Enies Lobby that Robin finally let herself be sucked into the odd little family that was the Straw Hat pirates. She could no longer deny it. These were the people that Saul had told her about. The once that had been waiting for her to find them, the once with a little spot reserved just for her. She admitted to still being scared. But not for herself anymore. No, after the way this crew, _her crew_ had fought to save her, she didn't have the slightest of doubts towards them. For the first time in her life she knew what it meant to feel at ease, knowing that even if she fell, there was someone who would catch her. Knowing that even if she failed and made a mistake, there was someone who would forgive her. No, she wasn't afraid for herself anymore. For the first time since she was a child, she was afraid for someone else. Because now, she had something to lose. And never had she realized how much more frightening that was.

When it was just you, when you died, it was all over. No more worries, no more pain. But when you had people you loved, it wasn't even nearly as simple. If you lost one of those people… it wouldn't just be over. You would be left behind to fully feel the loss, the pain, the emptiness… There would be no end, no darkness… and it was this fear that kept her awake those first nights after surviving Enies Lobby and leaving Water 7.

The first few nights she was too tired to do much but lay in the infirmary of their new ship. She was mostly healed, but Chopper insisted on keeping her under observation, for the prolonged exposure to kairoseki was still making her a bit weak.

But on the third morning after setting sail on The Sunny for the first time, she got tired of pretending to sleep and got up when the first lights of the morning where just starting to show themselves. She got dressed, pulled on an extra layer for it was chilly, and headed for the kitchen.

And there, without questions, without surprises, like nothing had ever happened, the day's paper was waiting for on the shining new counter separating the kitchen from the dining room, and the smell of coffee filled her senses.

"Good morning, Cook-san," she said cheerfully and sat down on one of the high chairs. Sanji smiled at her and responded equally happy. He poured her coffee and dropped in the two sugar cubes he knew she liked before setting the cup in front of her. Then he turned back to his cooking, expecting Robin to pick up the paper and start reading like usually. They rarely exchanged any other words besides the required pleasantries. But when after a while Robin was still just sitting there, staring at her untouched cup of coffee, Sanji decided to try a new approach.

"Have you been sleeping well?" He asked, knowing she hasn't, but asking anyway. He wanted to see how she would respond. He knew she had had her doubts until now, but was hoping that after everything that had happened over the past two weeks, she would finally feel secure enough to let them in a little more. And how his heart skipped happily when he heard her response.

"No, not really." He wasn't happy that she wasn't sleeping, of course. But he was happy that she was telling the truth.

"Are you still in any pain? Chopper mentioned that the kairoseki can have pretty long lasting effects." He tried this at first. He was pretty sure Robin was physically fine by now, but he didn't want to push it.

Robin took a good five minutes before answering. She had finished her coffee by then, and smiled at the cook when he automatically poured her another one.

"It's not that. I'm feeling quite well, actually. Haven't felt this safe in a long time..." Sanji glanced at her at that, but didn't say anything.

"Doctor-san did a wonderful job. I'm sure I would feel a lot worse if it wasn't for him." Still on a safe ground, just scratching the surface. Robin was thankful for how sensitive Sanji was being, not pushing her or over worrying. She knew she could trust him, trust them all. But there was something about Sanji… She knew she could talk to him and nothing she said would ever leave this room or change the way he acted towards her. She talked to Nami, too. But only when she wanted a reaction, when she wanted someone to understand and comfort. She talked to Chopper, but mostly about superficial things. The Doctor was smart and was happy to have someone as knowledgeable to talk to. She talked to Usopp, but mostly when he asked her for help regarding his newest inventions. When it came to the sniper, Robin enjoyed greatly teasing him, good heartedly of course. She talked to Zoro and Franky too, but never in a million years could she imagine talking to them about anything deep or serious. Except maybe to Zoro, if it had something to do with Luffy.

And then there was Luffy. She didn't talk to Luffy. She didn't have to. The Captain already knew, without any words, he just knew. With him she could fool around, laugh, read stories and have fun without worries, knowing that he _knew._ It was a unique bond she cherished with all her heart. But for the first time ever, she felt like she needed to talk, to say it out loud, but without making it into a big deal. So, she talked to Sanji.

"I have never… Since my Island burned down, I've never had anything to lose. It's..." she couldn't quite say it, afraid of sounding silly. But she didn't have to, Sanji understood.

"...terrifying." He finished. It wasn't a question, but a statement. She nodded. He understood. The cook started to arrange the dishes on to serving plates, and Robin heard him chuckle.

"It's the idiot Captain's fault. Swooping in and making people care… He has a habit of doing that." Robin chuckled too. She wouldn't dare to admit, but she did blame the straw hatted boy of her current predicament. It was good to know someone else did too. It made her feel a little less guilty.

"How do you deal with it? Him being as reckless as he is..." She sighed. Of course she had ended up caring for one of the most clueless, idiotic, reckless man that ever lived on all the seas.

This time Sanji full on laughed. He finished with the breakfast, putting down the last platter and then looked at Robin with a smile, but his eyes were serious.

"I do what I can. In my case, I cook. I make him food and enjoy the smile I get in return. It doesn't feel like much, after all he's done for me… But for him it seems to be enough. The rest of the time I pray to whatever Kami is listening that one of these times his recklessness won't become the last adventure I get to share with him." And with that he started to carry the delicious looking plates to the dining room table where they would soon eat breakfast.

Robin sat there, thinking about the cook's words. Do what she can… What could she possibly do? She had always thought she was strong, but compared to Luffy, or even Sanji and Zoro, she wasn't a match. So she couldn't protect her Captain from physical harm. She wasn't a Doctor or a Navigator or a cook. She couldn't build anything or shoot. But then again, all of those jobs were already taken. So what could she do?

Still wondering, she joined the others for breakfast. It was noisy, as usual. Luffy was stealing food from everyone else's plates, Nami and Usopp were screaming at him, Chopper was telling him to be careful, he was still recovering after all. Zoro ignored the whole show, Franky laughed happily at the shenanigans of his new crew and Sanji kept the plates full as well as he could with the speed Luffy was emptying them.

After breakfast they all went their own ways. It was Luffy's turn to help Sanji with the cleaning, which he did… while complaining and whining all the while. But Sanji was patient. Robin saw how the cook's leg would shake every now and then, itching to kick the Captain for being annoying like usual. But Luffy was still recovering. It wasn't visible to most, but his crew knew. Robin knew. The way Luffy did things just a little slower than usual, how he would flinch every now and then when he accidentally pumped a place that still hurt, and especially how he got tired a lot faster than usual.

Robin sighed wearily, deciding to try and lose her mind in a book. They had a library now, which was definitely turning out to be her favorite place on the ship, just after the beautiful Aquarium room with the giant fish tank and soft cushions.

It didn't take her long to settle down on one of the couches and forget her worries while the words on the worn out pages filled her mind. She was so far in her own world she almost missed the library door open and someone stepping in. At first she thought it might be Nami, but when the door closed again and the person still hadn't said anything, she had to take a peek. Lowering her book, she was surprised to find the raven haired Captain circling the shelves and inspecting the countless covers. It was an odd thing to witness. Luffy looked as carefree as ever, but was completely focused on the book titles in front of him. Robin found it so intriguing that she couldn't look away. After a while, Luffy finally stopped and lifted his hand to pull out a skinny book. He looked at the cover and nodded. Then for the first time since stepping into the room he looked at Robin.

The woman waited patiently, almost excited about what was to come. The young man walked to her and for a moment he looked almost insecure. There was a hesitant glance between the book and Robin. He looked like a little kid who was too afraid to ask his parents if he could have one more story before bedtime. And that's when Robin understood.

"Would you like me to read it to you, Captain-san?" She asked kindly with a smile. The grin that split her Captain's face made her heart flutter. How was it even possible for someone to look so happy?

"Yeah, if you don't mind..." even then, he sounded a bit hesitant. Robin took the book from him and scooched so that Luffy could sit next to her. That was all it took for the hesitation to disappear and Luffy sat down, pulling his legs up to rest on the cushions, his arms circling his knees to hold them up.

Robin opened the book and started reading. It was a simple book about something or another, she wasn't even sure. All she cared about was Luffy and his breathing which slowly evened and slowed down. Halfway through the fifth page the Captain was deep asleep, curled up on the couch with his head leaning towards Robin's shoulder, not quite touching. She looked at him with love and content, lifting her hand to rake through his hair and then pull his head down all the way to rest on her shoulder. And there he was, completely relaxed and truly care free from all the worries and responsibilities of a Captain. Because, as Robin now realized, as much as she and the rest of the crew might've been afraid of losing him, he must be just as afraid for all of them. Like this, when he was sleeping, he looked like the young teenager he was, looking like any other kid who needed comfort and reassurance every now and then. And that was something Robin was more than happy to give him.

She had found what she could do.

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 **There. Hope you liked it. :)**

 **-Ssus**


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